Perils of the Expecting Father

Scorpio Sun Bather

2004-11-06T18:08:00.000-08:00

To try and avoid getting jaundice, babies need Vitamin D from sunshine. So the midwife says to take naked little newborns out into the sunshine and bake them for 7 minutes on the front and back. So I did it.

Oct 28!

2004-11-06T17:15:00.000-08:00

The big day!!!

Oct 27 was the lunar eclipse and everyone predicted it would send the Pregnant One into Labor-
At about 11:30pm that night we were watching a movie (Mean Girls- it sucked... why did I even rent this????) when The Pregnant One announced she was having a contraction. So we both went to bed. I slept until about 2 am and realized she was already up. So she was ready to call the midwife already at 2, but the midwife said to try to get some sleep, she could tell it was early.

Oct 28-
So I slept off and on until six, but the Pregnant One didn't. At six we called again.

At seven the hippy girl assistants showed up. Then the midwife.
Then I called my brother to take the child. He came over and they watched Peter Pan and hung out until 8am and then went away for the rest of the day.

We unloaded all the equipment and waited around. Between contractions we took a walk around the neighborhood. Eventually the midwife went home because it was still too early, but the assistants hung out and waited drinking tea and smoothies from Wheatsville Co-op.

At 10am things were starting to really get going good so we called the midwife back and we measured the cervix. 5 centimeters. A little gloved finger massage and wha-la- 6cm. So things were really getting good now.

So we waited and waited, I cracked hilarious little jokes, like telling the pregnant one to keep it down (while she was moaning and all during a contraction), and during one long painful contraction suggesting a tick-tack. Good fun.

Finally at 11:30am it was time to go to the bedroom. Another gloved finger check-up and we knew we were there. The Boy was born at 12:00 noon sharp.
I caught the wet slimy little guy as he came out and I cut the cord too.

He was born with a full head of hair at 8lbs 6ozs and strong lungs. Oh and a un-quenchable appetite that started about two seconds after birth ("he could be a little lactation consultant himself he is such a natural...") and has carried on strong ever since. He worked his ass off from the get-go and Mom's milk came within only about 24 hours. For those 24 hours he took in constant collostram and lost about a pound but by now he has gained it back and plenty more.

And thats what he has been doing ever since.

Oh, and we named him Finn Frederick.

The Due Date!

2004-10-27T18:31:00.000-07:00

Some Pictures....

Today is the Due Date, but so far.....nothing. No real signs of impending labor except for continued bitchyness to me, and constant house cleaning.

Last time she was able to tell it was coming for hours and hours. Maybe even a whole day. She had cramps and soreness and the beginings of contractions. I remember we went out to eat and the whole time she kept saying, "I feel something.....". Then we came home and went to bed so we could be rested before it started full blown. Sometime in the middle of the night it started full fledge, and by six am we went to the hospital and by noon, or actually and 12:07, the child was born. No problem.

More soon.

Still Waiting

2004-10-24T18:54:00.000-07:00

So it's Sunday night and so far still no birth.

The Pregnant One wanted it to happen today so last night we went out for chinese food. Chinese food is supposed to bring it on, but that is an old wive's tale and doesn't work. Other supposed natural labor inducing techniques: walking, sex, and eating eggs with castor oil in them.

I kind of thought it was working though because at five in the morning she got up and scrubbed the kitchen with clorox for several hours. She made me coffee and brought it to me with a cheerful smile and was in a wonderfull mood. Everything was fine and then all of a sudden she turned into a total beeeee-otch.

Stages of Labor

2004-10-22T17:03:00.000-07:00

So The Pregnant One went to the midwife today and got this report: she is 25% effaced, and 1 centimeter dialated. And the baby has dropped to a negative 1 position.

So what the hell does all that mean?
I referred to my notes and found all sorts of stuff about it. Here are some of my actual notes:

NOTES 1

NOTES 2

NOTES 3, and The Faces of Labor

So the Signs of Impending Labor are:

Increasing Signs of Hormones/Increased Emotional Swings.......Yes, We Are Having Those.
Engagement, Effacement.......................Yes, 25%.
Dialation..................................................Yes, We're at 1 centimeter.
Increased or Decreased Activity in Mother and Baby.......................Maybe, we can't really tell. The boy is moving around like crazy.
Cramping, Nasea, Vomiting....................................................No.

So there you go. IT'S STARTING.....

The First Time We Did This

2004-10-18T08:09:00.000-07:00

Here are some pictures from the first time:

Birth Kit Continued

2004-10-15T09:48:00.000-07:00

There are also many optional things to have in the Birth Kit and Several Things You Might Want To Have ON Hand.

Camera, Film, Video Recorder and Camera Man/Crew. The husband is not supposed to be screwing around with a camera the whole time so you need a camera man. But back in class we learned you aren't supposed to have anyone at the birth you wouldn't have sex in front of.....
Heating Pad
Tape Recorder (????)
Candles
Diaper Service (???)
Tank for Water Birth- This is an inflatable tub/pool thing you can rent so the pregnant woman can actually birth underwater, presumably in the squatting position.
PH Balanced Shampoo (????)
Extra Pillows
Massage Oil
Lip Balm (????)
Joan Baez Albums (kidding.....sort of)

And Food. The birth can take hours so you need lots of food. They recommend:

Stock up in advance on good quality, high protein items so that family, midwives, and visitors aren't subject to 24 hours of fast food- remember that everyone is going to need their strength. The birthing mother need nourishing, easy to digest food that will not be thrown up during hard labor. Miso, applesauce, yogurt, and mashed potatos are recommended. Avoid heavy or fatty foods.

Another Baby Shower!

2004-10-12T06:50:00.000-07:00

Another successful baby shower. Successful in that a) I didn't have to be there, and b) we got many great useful things for this new child. In fact he is the owner of quite a bit of stuff. He got shoes, shirts, onesies, hats, sweaters, butt-powder, creams, lotions, blankets, ointments, and more.

The Birth Kit

2004-10-10T15:09:00.000-07:00

The Birth Kit (click here for more pictures)

Here is the list of stuff we got fot the birthkit:

30 Underpads, 23X24
1 Pad, Sterile, Individually Wrapped (dozen)
1 Peri Bottle
1 Povidone, 4 ounces
1 Scrub Brush, Povidone
1 Suction Catheter
1 Bulb Syringe
1 Medicine Spoon
1 Thermometer, digital
2 Flexible Drinking Straws
2 Stretch Briefs- Unisize
2 Infant Hats
12 Lube Jelly, 3 grams, Sterile
12 Alcohol Preps
1 Thermometer, RECTAL
1 Sitz Bath, Wishgarden herbal (5 baths)
1 Glove, Non-Sterile, VINYL, Medium, Package of 10
12 Glove, Ansell-Perry, Sterile, Medium, Single
4 Glove, Sterile, Medium, Pair
20 Gauze sponge, 4X4 12-ply (2pkgs)
2 Plasic Backed Sheet, 40 X 72
1 Combination Hot Water Bottle/Fountain Syringe (optional)
1 Cotton Balls 100 triple size
1 Packing Box 12x12x12

The Birth Room

2004-10-10T15:01:00.000-07:00



The Birth Room



Four Weeks before Due Date:

Begin Perineal massage with vitamin E oil and Castor Oil Hot Packs (20 min. two times a week)
See Pediatrition for pre-natal consultation
Clean the Birth Room and Bathroom and arrange everything in those rooms the way you will want them for the birth. Dust ceiling fan blades and change air filters.....(We actually had our air vents cleaned professionally)

Prepare and Label Four Bags:

Baby Clothes Bag
Towel Bag
Sheet Bag
Postpartum Bag

Sterilization:

Tie bags with Twine. Pre-heat oven to 250F. Buy an oven thermometer and check accuracy of your oven. Use rack on lowest level. Boil Pot of Water and pour it in shallow metal pan on the floor of the oven. Make sure the water is steaming in the oven before you put the bag in. It is the steam that sterlizes your supplies. Put one bag in at a time and make sure it doesn't touch the top or sides of the oven. Bake for an hour.



Our Prepared Bags (not sterile)

Private Talk

2004-10-08T07:08:00.000-07:00

After the midwife visit the Pregnant One told me a little secret. She said that after I left the midwife looked at her and gently asked, "do you guys still make love..."

She said that we won't be able to for a long time after and it is recommended because it contributes to the general happiness of the father who will have to do a lot when the baby is born. She also is a huge advocate of couples seeking therapy whether they think they need it or not in the weeks/months/forever leading up to the birth.

I told the pregnant one, in a vain attempt to be funny:

You are far too fat to make love to, so if I need sex to help with my general well being then we better get me a coffee shop girl as a temporary stand-in.

That funny little joke almost landed me in couples therapy.

First Visit

2004-10-06T16:35:00.000-07:00

Today we got our first home visit from the midwife.

She said she loved our neighborhood. She loved all the trees and said it had a nice energy.

We talked about all sorts of things and I even mentioned the web site and blog. I told her I wrote about "my feelings" about all this. She thinks it's good to educate the public about home birthing. Hmmmm...

She was familiar with the lunch page when I posted pictures of my lunch regularly, in fact she was a big fan, but she said she hadn't visited it in months. So she might. This whole thing might get shut down any day.

Anyway...

She forgot to bring a pee sample cup so The Pregnant One peed in a child's sippy cup to be sent off to the lab.
The midwife said the Pregnant One has a soft cervix .
The midwife said she thinks that although the cervix is soft we still have about three weeks to go.
The midwife checked out our room and thinks it has lovely light, and will be perfect for a birth.
She asked the pregnant one if there was any "impending". That means cramping, contractions, and any other signs that it is near. There isn't. The body starts 'practicing' contracting even this early and you can tell because the stomach gets really hard and then goes back to really soft. But that doesn't count as impending.
At this point the baby is moving and kicking like a little athelete. We are supposed to be doing 'kick counts' now which means he has to kick at least ten times within an hour at least once a day. It can be any hour of the day. You don't have to wake him and try to stimulate him to kick, but I have found that I can and I like to.

So there you go. Visit one complete.
I'm still working on the post about our birth kit.

Baby Showers

2004-10-04T07:47:00.000-07:00

Baby Showers are now starting.

With our due date only weeks away (babies come on thier birthdays not thier due dates), the Baby Showers begin. Mercifully the poor expecting father is not required to attend these hellish woman parties, but knowing how much I hate the idea, I'm sure the Pregnant One will make an exception for me and decide I have to be there.

We get gifts at baby showers. Gifts for newborn babies. Anyone invited to a baby shower knows they are required to bring a gift, so after two previous babies I am supprised the Pregnant One's friends fall for this old trick and show up. But they do. I think it is worth it to them to bring a gift just to be able to bring thier own babies, nurse openly, and bitch about all the perils of pregnancy, birthing, husbands, and children.

Nesting

2004-09-27T10:46:00.000-07:00

With only four weeks or less to go the Pregnant One is in a cleaning/nesting frenzy. This is only natural, a biological instinct that all mammals experience when about to give birth. She will find a suitable place, in this case my bed, and prepare it. She is not aware of anything she is doing, just going blindly along on instinct alone.
She buys new sheets for the bed.
She assembles a home birth kit. More on this next post.
She removes my desk, computer, and all other clutter from the room (including me if she could) and replaces it with a crib thing.
When the baby is born he will be too small to sleep in a bed-see The Family Bed- and will sleep in between us in our bed for six months. He will nurse freely that way, barely waking the mother and hopefully not waking the father at all. It will be much like when my dog gave birth to ten children. She just layed around for a few weeks snoozing while the little infants suckled and whined and slept and shat. After six months it's off to his own bed, which is where we seperate from the "family bed" theory. We know people who all sleep together for like five years, probably nursing the whole time.
Unfortunately when he's off to his own bed that's when all the sleeplessness for the father begins. With my first child I didn't know that the first six months were just a little warm-up exercise, and gift from the wife. There isn't that much for the father to do at night. The baby only wants one thing and the father doesn't have it. The real hell starts later.

Comment

2004-09-27T10:42:00.000-07:00

One helpful reader/commedian sent in this:
http://www.smartklamp.com/parents/thesmartklamp.html

Sept 9, 2004

2004-09-09T06:19:00.000-07:00

We have watched many videos in birth class. Among them- Gentle Birth Choices, Spiritual Midwifery, and Birth in the Squatting Position.

This week the one we watched was called, Birth: A Family Experience.

It was about a family of hippies who decided to let their three-year-old child be present at the birth of thier second child. They had also allowed the Mother-in-Law to be there.

In the video, like in all the videos, the expecting mother was naked and the father is shirtless and wearing little jogging shorts. It always seems like everyone is naked, sweaty, and unattractive in all these videos.

So the child is there, always terrified or crying or just asking questions. From this video I learned never to have children in the room while birthing. But did I need the video?

The midwife says never invite anyone to the birth who you wouldn't have sex in front of. See, for me that is really limiting. She does recommend filming, and you will need someone to do that. And she thinks it's nice to have people there to sing, chant, or pray.

You aren't supposed to invite anyone who will try and direct attention to themself. No complainers, no one who might freak out and start screaming, no one who might start in with comments like, "That's not what I did when I gave birth...". There should be no negative vibes. No raised voices, no one but the birthing mother should be getting any attention at all.

The Pregnant One had her mother and mother-in-law in the room at her first birth. At her second, I didn't let anyone in. People asked. Two of the Pregnant One's freinds wanted in, and I had to stand up for myself. I pictured what a freakshow it would turn into if I invited my own friends. They would never come, of course, they are men. But I pictured them milling about the room, bored wanting to turn on the tv, with the pregnant one in "the squatting position" doing her breathing: hee-hee-whoo.....hee-hee-whoo. Next we would need snacks and drinks for all the audience. It just couldn't happen. I am allowed so few vetos in this process but this is one.

So this time she mentioned maybe the kids should be there.....

Circumcision

2004-09-07T06:15:00.000-07:00

One thing we are struggling with is circumcision, and although this is down the line for us it is a perfect example of stuff that is just not really thought about and done by everyone. Circumcision is a choice obviously, but one I never considered. I thought you just did it because that's what everyone does, everyone I knew in school gym class was circumcised except one weird kid from Denmark or somewhere, why even think about it? But now I have thought about it. It started as a religious practice, then it was a cleanliness thing, and now it is just kind of an unquestioned tradition. Most people do it so Baby and Dad will look the same so the boy doesn't grow up thinking he has an abnormal 'ant-eater' penis that could potentially scare girls, but why else is it done??? It isn't routinely done in other countries. Of course there is a whole group of people who argue it is necessary, and would insist it is absolutely crazy not to do it. We want to at least think about it and make a choice that isn't influenced by mainstream. We aren't Jewish, and the puritan tradition came from the reasoning that it would curb sensitivity and cut down on sexual urges and masturbation, which is stupid. I don't want to ever do anything that is just puritan tradition without carefully considering why. I endeavor in other areas of my life to question mainstream opinion so why wouldn't I here?

I conducted a little survey. It seems that almost all the other parents I know have opted not to do it. Two of them admitted that it was the wife who was against it and they, in the interest of dealing with a pregnant woman, just went along with it. They all decided that the boy could always get it done later if he wanted (as if). This could be some kind of conspiracy, I know, but I'm still undecided. I really do hate to do anything just because of some prude antiquated idea. The American Academy of Pediatrics says there is no reason to do it routinely, but that it does have cleanliness benifits, and risks either way, blah, blah, blah. They are about as helpful as asking a roomful of hormonal pregnant women. I am really leaning toward the idea that it is a stupid tradition that we should just let die out.

Why?!?!

2004-09-05T06:13:00.000-07:00

why.

Extended Breastfeeding

2004-09-02T06:11:00.000-07:00

I actually drifted off to sleep at one point in birthclass last night. It's starting to get really long... My midwife talks so gently and her voice ends up having a calming effect so I couldn't be the only one nodding off. Suddenly I jolted awake to find the pregnant one staring at me with her evil eye.

We talked about breast feeding. My least favorite subject because of the inevitable use of the word 'nipple'. I hate the word and it was said around 700 times in last nights class alone.

We discussed the fundamentals of breastfeeding itself for about an hour, things like how to get it going, the fact that milk takes up to four days to come in and in the meantime it's collastrum and the baby has to work and work and work. Then we moved on to discuss 'extended breastfeeding'. On our two children we went about 12 or 13 months then stopped. Extended breast feeding would be going past that and we discussed nursing up to five years. We told stories of 3, 4, and 5 year old children who still nurse and the funny ways they ask for it. One child was known to try and unbutton Mom's blouse kind of secret like and try to quickly just whip it out and get some before Mom noticed. Others use bargaining and whining like, "oh mom, just one tiddy then I'll quit..."or just "please be a good mother....". You see, when they aren't babies anymore and can actually talk, they become sneaky, whiney, and spoiled. They want it like a crackhead wants crack and it's hard to convince them otherwise. Plus they don't know that the rest of the world population thinks it's well, sick, for a grown child to be nursing on his mother in public and speaking about it- "Mom switch this ones empty....". No one wants to see that. So our midwife suggests doing that privately in your own home.

Birth Class

2004-08-07T08:07:00.000-07:00

So having two kids, and having already been witness to one birth, does not excuse me from attending birth class again. Yeah! This time I am the "birth coach" and will play a key role in delivering the boy. Despite my missgivings the miracle of this birth will happen here in my home on the floor or the couch or the bed. The midwife says you should give birth only in place you feel comfortable enough to have sex. You certainly wouldn't want to have sex in a cold white sterile room with a bunch of nurses, computer monitors, and strangers; and likewise birthing there would be crazy. In a hospital you could never have candles and soft background music. I'm not one hundred percent sold on this- lots of porn takes place in hospital rooms, and nurses are a very popular.....but it's her class.

So during class the midwife isn't there in person, only on video. She has done the class so many times now in her 30 years of midwifery that she finally just filmed herself so she wouldn't have to keep repeating it. She filmed it in the very spot in the room she would be sitting and now the tv is there instead. So it's a strange mix of high tech and hippy down-to-earthness. We all sit barefoot in a circle on the floor, massaging and holding hands, but our instructor is a little video person. In the video she talks gently for the whole class. She often uses visual aides and when she does her assistant, who is actually present in the room, picks it up from somewhere and passes it around. I often find myself daydreaming that she is a tiny bluish hologram, like Princess Leah, sitting there in her yoga position instead of being on a big tv monitor. I think how much better it would be. This is exactly the kind of thing I have to keep to myself.

Anyway I take notes, as I am repeatedly reminded to do by my little blue holographic friend, but never on the important stuff I'm supposed remember like the definition of multigravida.

Instead I take notes on stuff she says that causes me to laugh.

Here are my some of my notes from last class:

Perenium massage. Our midwife recommends the birth coach routinely perform perenium massage on the pregnant one, using two fingers, a rubber glove, and castor oil. The rubber glove is to help the coach avoid getting turned on and having it turn into some sort of naughty sex massage. She thinks the glove will help it feel more clinical so no one gets too "hot". She also reminded us to always use a chux pad under the butt because "castor oil stains forever!" The very idea that I would get turned on doing this scares me and makes me have questions, but questions I will have to keep to myself.
The Placenta. So much to learn about the placenta, and so much fun after it's out. It is a subject that causes me to gag and snicker so much that I almost dread when it comes up and I have become a source of embarrassment for the pregnant one. Our midwife thinks the placenta is a very beautiful thing. When the placenta is born the father will squeeze out and then cut the cord. Then our midwife and her team will make a frameable "placenta print" as a keepsake for us and the new child. Our doulas will then wash it and show it to us, and stick it in a zip-lock baggie in the freezer. She strongly recommends that we label the baggie so some poor unsuspecting mother-in-law or freind doesn't someday defrost it thinking it is fajita meat only to discover an old used organ.
Placenta is the only meat that comes without killing an animal. And all mammals except sea mammals eat thier placenta.We are mammals so: A recipe. The midwife says she has tried it, but it is too "gamey".
Have lots of sex. It (sperm) softens the cervix and provides exercise.
More soon.......I swear.

Poor Pregnant Woman

2004-06-05T06:31:00.000-07:00

The Pregnant One doing yoga in the yard

Poor poor pregnant woman. Swollen feet, Swollen boobs, Hemoroids, Hormones,
and a living, kicking, moving, thing inside your belly on your bladder. Everytime
you eat food of any kind you get heartburn. You can't smoke or drink beer. Strangers
want to touch you and talk to you.

At the risk of sinking to the level of humor found on the Man Show, I will
try to chronicle some of the perils of the poor expecting father.

We had our first appointment with the midwife. The midwife office is a place
where you must remove your shoes before entering. There is no "doctor office"
feeling to it, which is what the pregnant one wants. There are pillows and futons
all over the floor and pictures of nipples and babies all over the walls. There
is a bulletin board with hundreds of poloroids of nursing babies and mothers
and little red wet newborns. Umbillical cords, nipples, fluids, birth stuff.
There is a bookshelf filled with the types of books we are supposed to read.
Sometimes other pregnant people walk through followed by an adoring expecting
father jumping at every opportunity to serve and nurture. They have been better
trained than I. I observed one man actually fanning his swollen barefoot wife
with the birth packet.

We all hug, then get started. Everybody talks very slowly and calmly. It's
very much like a yoga studio. In fact, the yoga studio where Trussel had his
art show had medical illustrations of pregnant mothers on the wall in the back
room. A midwife surely must meet there. We go over the midwifery packet. It
is all what you would expect. Talk of vitamins. Talk of love. Talk of nipples.
Talk of proper health. Talk of how bad hospital environments are for birthing.
Several times I laughed and was glared at. At one point the midwife recommended
the pregnant one drink plenty of water and would she like some right now. All
eyes fell on me. I thought it would be funny to say to the pregnant lady, "I
guess I'll take one too, while your up.".

We discussed the birth itself. Where? Our house? I thought of the messy cleanup.
We discussed the possibility of the father catching the newborn when it shoots
out. I thought that possibility was slim. The midwife assurred me I would change
my mind. We discussed nipple massage as a way to stimulate contractions. We
discussed birth underwater in a tub. We discussed "sudden birth",
which is when a child just slips out unexpectedly.

When we got to this page in the packet, I laughed
out loud. It was kind of a Beavis and Butthead style laugh followed up with
a grossssssssssssssssss.................... The midwife looked shocked at my
reaction. But seriously. Look at that.

Here are some books we are supposed to read.

Here are some suggestions about mental health.

Here are some daily affirmations.

I'll try to post more as I go.